It is a common misconception that
the search for Truth is motivated by intellectual pursuits. It is the fiction
of many a classroom that the greats of times gone by were towering minds, in
full control of their emotions, searching for the objective Truth hidden in
Reality.
Those of us who Know, know
differently. We live within the painful reality neatly captured by Byron, that
Sorrow is knowledge
for
those that know the most must mourn the deepest
the
Tree of Knowledge is not the Tree of Life.
The “sorrow that is knowledge” is
best encapsulated in one word. There is a Portuguese word “saudade” (pronounced
sawDADje), translated as “a vague and constant desire for something that does
not and possibly cannot exist, mixed with a wistful yearning for its return”.
This loneliness is a feeling we all know well; anyone who has caught themselves
staring, with a haunted and other-worldly look, at a distant future, or a
far-away past, and craving its embrace and arrival, knows this painful and
powerful emotion of incompleteness. In simple terms, it is a homesickness for a
Home we haven’t been to yet.
So many of us know too well the
indescribable feeling of missing something we need to make us Whole, a feeling
that the essence of who we are lies beyond this world and above its mechanisms;
that imperfect Being escapes our outstretched grasp and eludes us…leaving us
all the more incomplete, seeking some sort of Truth that can somehow fill those
gaps in our souls. And we all look long and hard for the mystical “Truth” that
will make us complete…and promises to get us back Home.
And woe to those who start
looking…for Truth is the last thing they find. There are so many hypocrisies,
so many lies, so many false imitations of anything True and real in this world.
How many hollow people can live at once? There is only One Truth, and so many
lies that just come up short. Yet all these lies claim to be that Truth!
Is there a Place for Truth in this
world? Somewhere for someone who seeks the Truth to go? The whole world shuns
them, mocks them, and pushes them away. Is everyone really happy with the
prepackaged imitation that seems to sell so well, concealing truth and Truth
alike? Where have all the genuine people in this world gone? Why is being
interested in Reality a sign of stupidity, of superficiality, of being a
simpleton, of insanity?
How do people claim they found the
Truth? Truth is elusive, Truth is slippery, Truth does not mold itself to my
wants and desires. Truth is not static – how do you think you can hold it in
your hand in the first place…So has anyone actually ever found it at all? Or do
we cover up our failure to look, and the laziness to try, with “I found it”
advertisement campaigns, shabbatons, missionary work, seminars, TV, and
hotlines?
Why don’t people look for
the Truth? Is it possible to get out of bed each morning without a reason to?
If someone with a beard told you to sell your family into slavery, could you
rationalize that as the will of the deity he claims to represent? We listen to
everything else they say! What is faith in stupidity made of? And why do people
have it in the first place? Is it THAT much easier than finding something worth
believing in?
And when we DO find, or stumble
across, or get hit in the head with a two-by-four piece of doubt, why is it a
clever piece of inspiration can heal all wounds, and answer all questions? How
do people buy into solutions that don’t solve the problem at all?
There is a nagging doubt we all
feel tugging at the back of our hearts, perhaps there are no solutions at
all…the problems are paradoxical, both sides are true; as Simon and Garfunkel
sang, “Any way you look at it, you lose” – the futility in life is
overwhelmingly obvious to anyone who simply begins to look for the answers…
Why is asking questions considered
a warning sign to people? How can genuinely trying to be something be a
terrible thing? What kind of society, or world at all, raises its children
contrary to their own selves? Is this our collective dream for a better
tomorrow, for the future, for the world itself? Did anyone ever stop to figure
out if this is what they want?! Or is that, too, beyond the boundaries?
Why IS there a stopping point? Why
are there ANY lines in the sand? How can anyone tolerate a boundary and limit
to his only chance to Exist, to Experience, to Be? Who can feel empowered,
enabled, and worthy enough to place those limits on anyone else? Are they the
ones who define the parameters of Reality? Don’t they realize there is only One
parameter to Reality?! Or do they think they are that One? So many questions
begging to be asked, so many answers that cry out to be discovered. Who can
stand in their way? Who feels they have the right and ability to decide what
may be asked? Are there people who really think that their lonely reality
defines everyone else’s?
But life gets in the way of Life,
Falsehood derails Truth, people get in the way of the Divine…and we still sit
here, wondering in abject confusion what Truth is to begin with, looking
everywhere outside themselves.
Doesn’t anyone want to know? Is
there a single on planet Earth ready to understand, eager to discover,
anticipating Truth? Is there no one left? Are we hopeless, abandoned, beyond any
chance of fixing the mess we’ve made? Are we beyond help?
If there IS one person who chooses
Truth, who chooses to Be, chooses to vault above and beyond the choking confines
of those lonely prison of his little world, where is his hope? Is one man able
to face the whole world? Can one person stand up to six billion people who are
convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the crazy one, that what
you see is all there is? How does G-d abandon those who try, who long and
desire, who are lovesick for Him? They chose Him, they attempt to cling to His
Truth and Oneness, to His exalted Existence. What does He expect? He knows they
can’t stand up to the rest of humanity.
How can someone go on feeling
rejected by Existence itself? Can someone really keep holding on to those
dreams he can’t let go of? How do you stay above and beyond that dirty,
twisted, shattered soul that stares you in the face, taunting you with who you
are, with your own pitiful insignificance? Forget trying to face humanity – is
it possible to face yourself?
But even if it’s not possible; even
if the whole world stands opposite the entrance to your prison and pushes you
back in, even if you feel you can’t make it down that narrow path – how can you
not try? If all the evidence in the universe gives screaming testimony that
you're truly alone – how can you not reach out, not stretch out your hand as
far as it can go, not try to grasp the Infinite within this world? Does anyone
ever know it’s impossible without trying first? And if it isn’t possible, why
not try anyways? Is there anything to lose? It’s all we really have…!
Why DO we feel that loneliness? Why
is it when one begins to search for Truth he feels such a disconnect from the
rest of humanity? Where is the brotherhood, the mutual support, the acceptance
and care of fellow Man? Can’t it be possible to find your Truth and remain
connected to others? Is it so hard to understand someone else? Why is it so
hard, so impossible to assist and be concerned of others? When one starts to
follow the bas kol in his own heart
which cries “Lech Lecha”, “Go to yourself – and FOR yourself”, he feels an
existential loneliness of such horrific magnitude that it almost swallows him
Whole. Isn’t it paradoxically saddening that when “finds” himself, he feels as
if he is not there? And when one IS
there, no one else is – an existential catch-22, indeed. How I wish you were
here…someone, anyone at all – even me.
Why do we feel the need to seek out
others? Who cares if you are understood? Does it matter if there IS anyone out
there? Will you lose the ability to function if you are alone? Why? If you
believe in what you are doing, who cares if anyone else does?
Why IS it “not good for Man to be
alone”? Why do we have an almost pathetic and pathological need to share our
experiences, to have others see things our way, to expose our innermost
thoughts and feelings to other people? We live in a society that blogs and
talks its opinions, emotions, feelings, beliefs, views, ideas, hopes, and
dreams, spilling secret after secret to waste in front of every pair of eyes in
the world. “Reality” TV is a privilege fought over by thousands of contestants,
each attempting to turn their already absurd lives into public fodder; for this
amazing chance, people reveal themselves for the world’s voyeuristic passions
and return to their dreary lives emptier than those who came before them. All
for some infinitesimal probability, that perhaps someone out there will
understand…and maybe even care, and that is all we want.
How do you conquer that melancholic
solitude? Can you step beyond the Wall of your own context to reality in
construction to relate to someone else, and more importantly, BE related to? If
it’s Truth your after, why do you have to let go of everyone and everything else?
It seems as if there can only be one or the other – you cannot find a society
of which to be part of when Truth is your goal, just as you seemingly cannot
find Truth while part of any societal context. The more one chases one end, the
more tension he creates on its opposite pole; we seem to have the same
pathological need to be torn in two. In all our lives, is there a bigger dream
than being understood, of sharing an actual relationship, in which you can be part of something and be yourself
at once? Why can’t we make that dream a reality?
Why are all our relationships
attempts to merge with others? We spend our lives looking for someone who
matches us perfectly, who will seamlessly join with us in a tangled faceless
union, who we can melt into and absorb. What of keeping your own selfhood,
allowing someone the space and respect to do the same, and integrating those
selves in a relationship that at once keeps you together and holds you apart?
How is it people can think that marriage is an absorbent relationship? Do you
want to marry a roll of paper towels? Or a partner, a eizer k’negdo in the literal and true sense of the title?
The same is true of friendship, on
a lesser scale. When someone turns to you, do you fully accept them? Open your
arms, draw them close, make them a part of your life and you a part of theirs?
Do you build a relationship, or simply use them for your social needs? Are the
rules and dogma of religion, etiquette, manners, and social standing more
important to you than people? Are you looking for brotherhood? Or a world of
mutually beneficial associations? After all, we can only look out for “number
one!” Even he who said with all his youthful heart “Et achai anochi mevakeish” was deemed to be to’eh bakol.
Why are people afraid of opening
themselves up for others? What other reason can there be for people locking
away memories, forgetting their own pasts that help them reach their present, mutely
watching others suffer the same travails and catastrophes that they once
endured, and being more interested in his own arbitrary values than any
semblance of connection with the rest of the world? Has Man progressed at all
since he was first asked “Ayekah?” We hid then, we hide now too; only now we
hide from the eyes of others…and ourselves.
Does anyone really think they can
hide from themselves? Why does anyone try? Even if it is possible, what do you
gain? Do you feel better about yourself when you know it isn’t true? Does
fooling others justify fooling yourself? Can pretending something isn’t there
really hide it? It doesn’t work too well for the ostritch.
How do people manage to block out
entire segments of Reality? Why is it people only wake up and notice danger and
decay when it invades their lives, weapons poised and finger twitching on the
trigger? By then it is too late, and the tide sweeps them off their footing and
into a tidal wave of broken dreams and contexts to a Reality that just didn’t
fit the cute little walls you made for it. People react to new perils the same
way every time – let’s ban cell phones, text messaging, the internet, singles
events, and why not burn a few seforim that don’t fit the narrow fundamentalist
views we deem harmless and placid enough for the masses. If we don’t allow it,
it doesn’t exist! Only we keep finding out the hard way that DOES, and it has
consequences, and those consequences are now too powerful for anyone to begin
to understand. Whole generations are swept away by currents that could have
been directed toward noble goals and used to carry them to heights never
reached, if only those powerful forces were understood.
Why doesn’t anyone attempt to live
life moving forward? People seem to WANT to be swept along; most people look
for inspiration in times of need, seek a reassuring hand to show them things
are still the same. What happened to good old fashioned philosophy, striving to
deal with the reality at hand with a plan towards the future? Does anyone plan
where they want to end up in life? Or does everyone turn around when they reach
50 and wonder, “How did I get here?!” Does anyone care where it is they get to? Is anyone trying to get anywhere at all?
How is it that no one stops to
investigate the direction of Life as a whole? We are a nation waiting for a
Redemption, and believing (if not actually knowing) that life is incomplete
until it comes – but we take it for granted, without any sort of thought as to
what will bring it. Does anyone know what it is, or what it will bring, or how
to bring it, or if they want it at all? No, but our 4 year olds can sing “We
want Moshiach now” REALLY well.
That’s the important part, no? Please, someone explain in a semi-logical and
lucid way, how you can have faith in the arrival of a complete fix-all that
will magically make everything right. You know, there was once someone who came
along and said that – his name was Jesus. Does no one learn the lessons of
history?!
Why are people obsessed with going
back into history? How is it no one stops to consider why the old paradigm no
longer works, and tries to force it onto a reality that is quite another shape?
Everyone is obsessed with the past, trying to fit the present into its terms
and mechanisms. An American bochur is
American, so why hold him to European standards? Maybe the past is all we know, but the present is all we have! Is
the present so frightening that we would rather be somewhere else?
Why are people so obsessed with
finding somewhere they feel “comfortable”, or some worldview they feel
comfortable with? Comfort? Does it
matter if you’re comfortable with something or not? Either it is True or it is
not – your level of familiarity and being at ease with it doesn’t affect its
validity. Since when did human beings decide existentialities? Why do we try to?
Or are we simply ignoring existential realities in favor of how we feel in a
moment?
Why is it when someone does try to
understand Life, he tries to break it down into digestible pieces? Does anyone
think Life CAN be broken down at all? Has anyone begun to understand the
complexities and emergent concepts only barely contained within Life, or that
there are such things in the first place? Why are we afraid of them? Doesn’t
anyone begin to see that PEOPLE themselves are emergent concepts, and the
process of emergence is called Life? Yet we spend our time breaking down people
as well, trying to define things and set values to them, hoping our imaginary
abstractions will somehow translate into concrete terms and rules for living. Is
there anyone who realizes that breaking things down is just another way to break
them? Is there anybody at all who longs for a Life of totality, completeness, a
Whole and All that may be greater than the sum of its parts? Does anybody want
to truly Live?
Is there one person with the
answers to these questions? One who can truthfully say, “Yes, I tried. I lived
for Life, for Existence, for Truth; I reached for Existence itself, I yearned
to be Whole”? How does the world live this way? Is ignorance really bliss, so
much so that people voluntarily shut their minds and hearts, their very SOULS,
for the ignorant and unknowing life?
How long will we sit in lonely
little bubbles, content with the illusions and imitations of Life that we’ve
made for ourselves? What has to be done to interest people in Reality? What
must happen for people to rise up against the hypocrisy and lies, the
limitations and borders, the indifference and loneliness that they allow to
govern and direct their lives? When will people be interested in a total
picture of Reality, instead of a few pieces of it? What has to take place for
people to want to care, to struggle, to comprehend the Infinite?
Or are we totally, helplessly,
lost? Maybe the world really is too broken to fix, too apathetic to Become, and
too lost to try and find, search or look for the Truth. Maybe people are
completely content and comfortably numb in their cocoons of illusory meaning
and fractured context. So what of the people who do try? What of the people who
choose Reality? What of those who feel abandoned and rejected by Existence
itself? Is it really G-d Who spurns them? Or is it six billion demigods of
falseness that wage the war to uproot, suppress, and destroy Truth and those
who seek it?
Don’t you see? If you don’t seek Truth, if you don’t make your Life
into something Real, if you won’t Become what you can Be, then you destroy
Truth! You leave that Oneness lacking. You are false, and you increase
Falsehood in the world. It’s your choice, it’s our choice, and the
choice we make affects everyone else. The world truly is One.
Are you?
Why do people insist on splitting themselves into pieces? Is there anything
more absurd and bizarre than hearing someone say “My yetzer hara told/made/convinced/tempted me…”? Why do you name a
part of you something else? Is this a slight identity crisis, or perhaps
schizophrenia? Or maybe we like having multiple personality disorder? What
happened to our very Being? Why do we fragment it, split it smaller than the
atom? What do the words “part of me” mean, anyways? Do people really think that
they are made up of little pieces? How is no one in touch with the Wholeness of
who they are?
How do we
“lose ourselves”? No matter how great the will, or how deeply held the
conviction and belief, there are times we will completely contradict everything
we claim to be and live for. Is there anyone who truly lives by his convictions
and beliefs? Is it possible?
Does it
matter if you do? Why is everyone so shocked when someone doesn’t? “How could
s/he do such a thing?” – well, how couldn’t they? Who cares? It’s just an empty
action, a fleeting moment in the Infinite, another wasted potential in a
universe full of opportunities.
Do your actions even matter? Does
anyone see the futility in day-to-day life, with meaningless action piled on
meaningless action creating a cognitive dissonant world of illusory success? How
can people go on to the next day without once doing something that comes from
themselves, from who they are, from the Real place we call a soul? Does functionality matter more than selfhood?
Why do we care for the mechanical, functional, “if I shake a palm branch it
causes things to happen in the heavens” mentality? What of expressing yourself
within the relationship you share with haShem? Who cares what it DOES – what IS
it, and what does is make you?
Why is it when asked who we are we
invariably respond with our profession? Has this confusion between essence and
function pierced the consciousness of the entire world? Does anyone believe in
an essence at all? Or are we so caught up in a distorted view of reality as a
mechanical universe of cause and effect that we simply don’t see the place for
essences in it at all? No wonder no one is in touch with their own…
How is it that the entirety of the
Torah, the very blueprint of Reality, has been reduced to a causational list of
demands? Do people really think their pitiful explanations of Divine Wisdom are
the Divine Will? Do they think they understand the Mind of the Creator? Who
dares say they know what He Wants the world to Become? Yet everyone thinks they
do, and everyone is hellbent on giving Him their strange fire offering in his
Holy of Holies, thinking they are truly doing His Will; what G-d Wants, G-d
gets…G-d help us all.
So is it any wonder we find ourselves in the
situation we do? Adam HaRishon learned the hard way that man can never be G-d;
it is not our place to decide. Destiny is what G-d lays out before us, and it
is “what you do along the way that makes you feel so True”; we live a pitifully
paradoxical life of Being and Becoming at once, and feeling torn in two…until
the Day where all will be One, including ourselves.
What can one do when he feels torn
in two? How do you go on living with no context, no area of integration, no
interrelating with Self and world? How do you find meaning in an arbitrary
world? Where do you focus your energies, invest your potential, give over your
passion crying out for expression and growth? Is it possible to find such a
place? And what can you do until you do find it? How do you stay true to
yourself when your self is floating in a netherworld unconnected to its own
Reality?
How does one maintain integrity in
our world? Is it possible to remain true to yourself, to actually remain
yourself, in a world fueled by rapture and desire to be swallowed up by
something else? Everyone is proud of their views, their beliefs, their
brilliant insights; everyone shows off their allegiances and loyalties, eagerly
explaining the “truth” behind their convictions – and how many are prisoner to
those perspectives, being convicted by the very things that they believe in, or
by the things they don’t?
How do people buy into things that
constrict, squash, and imprison? Why do people have an almost pathological need
to restrict themselves in mindless and mindnumbing fashion? The very first mistake
everyone makes is confusing their local reality with the whole of Creation –
the jokes about Mashiach are very real. To the Litvak he cannot be Sfardi,
and the Sfardi would kill him if he
showed up as a chosid. The Chosid, of course, would laugh at Mashiach
if he were to be modern Orthodox. And the modern Orthodox would never accept a Litvak, those religious crazies. And
heaven help us if Mashiach isn’t frum
at all…! But all agree – life outside the confines of the little bubbles we
make for ourselves is not worth living…funny how we all have so much in common!
And funny how we all cannot see ourselves to be the simpleminded prisoners of
our own devices, of our own narrowminded and simplistic worldviews, that we
are.
Most funny of all will be how everyone
will use these questions to “prove” that they are right, they have the truth,
and how they have all the answers...how their messianic vision of the Home we
forlornly want is the Truth.
Isn’t it funny that when it comes
to feeling like you are Home, having the answers isn’t as important as having
the questions?
