Questions...

It is a common misconception that the search for Truth is motivated by intellectual pursuits. It is the fiction of many a classroom that the greats of times gone by were towering minds, in full control of their emotions, searching for the objective Truth hidden in Reality.

Those of us who Know, know differently. We live within the painful reality neatly captured by Byron, that

Sorrow is knowledge

 for those that know the most must mourn the deepest

 the Tree of Knowledge is not the Tree of Life.

The “sorrow that is knowledge” is best encapsulated in one word. There is a Portuguese word “saudade” (pronounced sawDADje), translated as “a vague and constant desire for something that does not and possibly cannot exist, mixed with a wistful yearning for its return”. This loneliness is a feeling we all know well; anyone who has caught themselves staring, with a haunted and other-worldly look, at a distant future, or a far-away past, and craving its embrace and arrival, knows this painful and powerful emotion of incompleteness. In simple terms, it is a homesickness for a Home we haven’t been to yet.

So many of us know too well the indescribable feeling of missing something we need to make us Whole, a feeling that the essence of who we are lies beyond this world and above its mechanisms; that imperfect Being escapes our outstretched grasp and eludes us…leaving us all the more incomplete, seeking some sort of Truth that can somehow fill those gaps in our souls. And we all look long and hard for the mystical “Truth” that will make us complete…and promises to get us back Home.

And woe to those who start looking…for Truth is the last thing they find. There are so many hypocrisies, so many lies, so many false imitations of anything True and real in this world. How many hollow people can live at once? There is only One Truth, and so many lies that just come up short. Yet all these lies claim to be that Truth!

Is there a Place for Truth in this world? Somewhere for someone who seeks the Truth to go? The whole world shuns them, mocks them, and pushes them away. Is everyone really happy with the prepackaged imitation that seems to sell so well, concealing truth and Truth alike? Where have all the genuine people in this world gone? Why is being interested in Reality a sign of stupidity, of superficiality, of being a simpleton, of insanity?

How do people claim they found the Truth? Truth is elusive, Truth is slippery, Truth does not mold itself to my wants and desires. Truth is not static – how do you think you can hold it in your hand in the first place…So has anyone actually ever found it at all? Or do we cover up our failure to look, and the laziness to try, with “I found it” advertisement campaigns, shabbatons, missionary work, seminars, TV, and hotlines?

Why don’t people look for the Truth? Is it possible to get out of bed each morning without a reason to? If someone with a beard told you to sell your family into slavery, could you rationalize that as the will of the deity he claims to represent? We listen to everything else they say! What is faith in stupidity made of? And why do people have it in the first place? Is it THAT much easier than finding something worth believing in?

And when we DO find, or stumble across, or get hit in the head with a two-by-four piece of doubt, why is it a clever piece of inspiration can heal all wounds, and answer all questions? How do people buy into solutions that don’t solve the problem at all?

There is a nagging doubt we all feel tugging at the back of our hearts, perhaps there are no solutions at all…the problems are paradoxical, both sides are true; as Simon and Garfunkel sang, “Any way you look at it, you lose” – the futility in life is overwhelmingly obvious to anyone who simply begins to look for the answers…

Why is asking questions considered a warning sign to people? How can genuinely trying to be something be a terrible thing? What kind of society, or world at all, raises its children contrary to their own selves? Is this our collective dream for a better tomorrow, for the future, for the world itself? Did anyone ever stop to figure out if this is what they want?! Or is that, too, beyond the boundaries?

Why IS there a stopping point? Why are there ANY lines in the sand? How can anyone tolerate a boundary and limit to his only chance to Exist, to Experience, to Be? Who can feel empowered, enabled, and worthy enough to place those limits on anyone else? Are they the ones who define the parameters of Reality? Don’t they realize there is only One parameter to Reality?! Or do they think they are that One? So many questions begging to be asked, so many answers that cry out to be discovered. Who can stand in their way? Who feels they have the right and ability to decide what may be asked? Are there people who really think that their lonely reality defines everyone else’s?

But life gets in the way of Life, Falsehood derails Truth, people get in the way of the Divine…and we still sit here, wondering in abject confusion what Truth is to begin with, looking everywhere outside themselves.

Doesn’t anyone want to know? Is there a single on planet Earth ready to understand, eager to discover, anticipating Truth? Is there no one left? Are we hopeless, abandoned, beyond any chance of fixing the mess we’ve made? Are we beyond help?

If there IS one person who chooses Truth, who chooses to Be, chooses to vault above and beyond the choking confines of those lonely prison of his little world, where is his hope? Is one man able to face the whole world? Can one person stand up to six billion people who are convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the crazy one, that what you see is all there is? How does G-d abandon those who try, who long and desire, who are lovesick for Him? They chose Him, they attempt to cling to His Truth and Oneness, to His exalted Existence. What does He expect? He knows they can’t stand up to the rest of humanity.

How can someone go on feeling rejected by Existence itself? Can someone really keep holding on to those dreams he can’t let go of? How do you stay above and beyond that dirty, twisted, shattered soul that stares you in the face, taunting you with who you are, with your own pitiful insignificance? Forget trying to face humanity – is it possible to face yourself?

But even if it’s not possible; even if the whole world stands opposite the entrance to your prison and pushes you back in, even if you feel you can’t make it down that narrow path – how can you not try? If all the evidence in the universe gives screaming testimony that you're truly alone – how can you not reach out, not stretch out your hand as far as it can go, not try to grasp the Infinite within this world? Does anyone ever know it’s impossible without trying first? And if it isn’t possible, why not try anyways? Is there anything to lose? It’s all we really have…!

Why DO we feel that loneliness? Why is it when one begins to search for Truth he feels such a disconnect from the rest of humanity? Where is the brotherhood, the mutual support, the acceptance and care of fellow Man? Can’t it be possible to find your Truth and remain connected to others? Is it so hard to understand someone else? Why is it so hard, so impossible to assist and be concerned of others? When one starts to follow the bas kol in his own heart which cries “Lech Lecha”, “Go to yourself – and FOR yourself”, he feels an existential loneliness of such horrific magnitude that it almost swallows him Whole. Isn’t it paradoxically saddening that when “finds” himself, he feels as if he is not there?  And when one IS there, no one else is – an existential catch-22, indeed. How I wish you were here…someone, anyone at all – even me.

Why do we feel the need to seek out others? Who cares if you are understood? Does it matter if there IS anyone out there? Will you lose the ability to function if you are alone? Why? If you believe in what you are doing, who cares if anyone else does?

Why IS it “not good for Man to be alone”? Why do we have an almost pathetic and pathological need to share our experiences, to have others see things our way, to expose our innermost thoughts and feelings to other people? We live in a society that blogs and talks its opinions, emotions, feelings, beliefs, views, ideas, hopes, and dreams, spilling secret after secret to waste in front of every pair of eyes in the world. “Reality” TV is a privilege fought over by thousands of contestants, each attempting to turn their already absurd lives into public fodder; for this amazing chance, people reveal themselves for the world’s voyeuristic passions and return to their dreary lives emptier than those who came before them. All for some infinitesimal probability, that perhaps someone out there will understand…and maybe even care, and that is all we want.

How do you conquer that melancholic solitude? Can you step beyond the Wall of your own context to reality in construction to relate to someone else, and more importantly, BE related to? If it’s Truth your after, why do you have to let go of everyone and everything else? It seems as if there can only be one or the other – you cannot find a society of which to be part of when Truth is your goal, just as you seemingly cannot find Truth while part of any societal context. The more one chases one end, the more tension he creates on its opposite pole; we seem to have the same pathological need to be torn in two. In all our lives, is there a bigger dream than being understood, of sharing an actual relationship, in which you can be part of something and be yourself at once? Why can’t we make that dream a reality?

Why are all our relationships attempts to merge with others? We spend our lives looking for someone who matches us perfectly, who will seamlessly join with us in a tangled faceless union, who we can melt into and absorb. What of keeping your own selfhood, allowing someone the space and respect to do the same, and integrating those selves in a relationship that at once keeps you together and holds you apart? How is it people can think that marriage is an absorbent relationship? Do you want to marry a roll of paper towels? Or a partner, a eizer k’negdo in the literal and true sense of the title?

The same is true of friendship, on a lesser scale. When someone turns to you, do you fully accept them? Open your arms, draw them close, make them a part of your life and you a part of theirs? Do you build a relationship, or simply use them for your social needs? Are the rules and dogma of religion, etiquette, manners, and social standing more important to you than people? Are you looking for brotherhood? Or a world of mutually beneficial associations? After all, we can only look out for “number one!” Even he who said with all his youthful heart “Et achai anochi mevakeish” was deemed to be to’eh bakol.

Why are people afraid of opening themselves up for others? What other reason can there be for people locking away memories, forgetting their own pasts that help them reach their present, mutely watching others suffer the same travails and catastrophes that they once endured, and being more interested in his own arbitrary values than any semblance of connection with the rest of the world? Has Man progressed at all since he was first asked “Ayekah?” We hid then, we hide now too; only now we hide from the eyes of others…and ourselves.

Does anyone really think they can hide from themselves? Why does anyone try? Even if it is possible, what do you gain? Do you feel better about yourself when you know it isn’t true? Does fooling others justify fooling yourself? Can pretending something isn’t there really hide it? It doesn’t work too well for the ostritch.

How do people manage to block out entire segments of Reality? Why is it people only wake up and notice danger and decay when it invades their lives, weapons poised and finger twitching on the trigger? By then it is too late, and the tide sweeps them off their footing and into a tidal wave of broken dreams and contexts to a Reality that just didn’t fit the cute little walls you made for it. People react to new perils the same way every time – let’s ban cell phones, text messaging, the internet, singles events, and why not burn a few seforim that don’t fit the narrow fundamentalist views we deem harmless and placid enough for the masses. If we don’t allow it, it doesn’t exist! Only we keep finding out the hard way that DOES, and it has consequences, and those consequences are now too powerful for anyone to begin to understand. Whole generations are swept away by currents that could have been directed toward noble goals and used to carry them to heights never reached, if only those powerful forces were understood.

Why doesn’t anyone attempt to live life moving forward? People seem to WANT to be swept along; most people look for inspiration in times of need, seek a reassuring hand to show them things are still the same. What happened to good old fashioned philosophy, striving to deal with the reality at hand with a plan towards the future? Does anyone plan where they want to end up in life? Or does everyone turn around when they reach 50 and wonder, “How did I get here?!” Does anyone care where it is they get to? Is anyone trying to get anywhere at all?

How is it that no one stops to investigate the direction of Life as a whole? We are a nation waiting for a Redemption, and believing (if not actually knowing) that life is incomplete until it comes – but we take it for granted, without any sort of thought as to what will bring it. Does anyone know what it is, or what it will bring, or how to bring it, or if they want it at all? No, but our 4 year olds can sing “We want Moshiach now” REALLY well. That’s the important part, no? Please, someone explain in a semi-logical and lucid way, how you can have faith in the arrival of a complete fix-all that will magically make everything right. You know, there was once someone who came along and said that – his name was Jesus. Does no one learn the lessons of history?!

Why are people obsessed with going back into history? How is it no one stops to consider why the old paradigm no longer works, and tries to force it onto a reality that is quite another shape? Everyone is obsessed with the past, trying to fit the present into its terms and mechanisms. An American bochur is American, so why hold him to European standards? Maybe the past is all we know, but the present is all we have! Is the present so frightening that we would rather be somewhere else?

Why are people so obsessed with finding somewhere they feel “comfortable”, or some worldview they feel comfortable with?  Comfort? Does it matter if you’re comfortable with something or not? Either it is True or it is not – your level of familiarity and being at ease with it doesn’t affect its validity. Since when did human beings decide existentialities? Why do we try to? Or are we simply ignoring existential realities in favor of how we feel in a moment?

Why is it when someone does try to understand Life, he tries to break it down into digestible pieces? Does anyone think Life CAN be broken down at all? Has anyone begun to understand the complexities and emergent concepts only barely contained within Life, or that there are such things in the first place? Why are we afraid of them? Doesn’t anyone begin to see that PEOPLE themselves are emergent concepts, and the process of emergence is called Life? Yet we spend our time breaking down people as well, trying to define things and set values to them, hoping our imaginary abstractions will somehow translate into concrete terms and rules for living. Is there anyone who realizes that breaking things down is just another way to break them? Is there anybody at all who longs for a Life of totality, completeness, a Whole and All that may be greater than the sum of its parts? Does anybody want to truly Live?

Is there one person with the answers to these questions? One who can truthfully say, “Yes, I tried. I lived for Life, for Existence, for Truth; I reached for Existence itself, I yearned to be Whole”? How does the world live this way? Is ignorance really bliss, so much so that people voluntarily shut their minds and hearts, their very SOULS, for the ignorant and unknowing life?

How long will we sit in lonely little bubbles, content with the illusions and imitations of Life that we’ve made for ourselves? What has to be done to interest people in Reality? What must happen for people to rise up against the hypocrisy and lies, the limitations and borders, the indifference and loneliness that they allow to govern and direct their lives? When will people be interested in a total picture of Reality, instead of a few pieces of it? What has to take place for people to want to care, to struggle, to comprehend the Infinite?

Or are we totally, helplessly, lost? Maybe the world really is too broken to fix, too apathetic to Become, and too lost to try and find, search or look for the Truth. Maybe people are completely content and comfortably numb in their cocoons of illusory meaning and fractured context. So what of the people who do try? What of the people who choose Reality? What of those who feel abandoned and rejected by Existence itself? Is it really G-d Who spurns them? Or is it six billion demigods of falseness that wage the war to uproot, suppress, and destroy Truth and those who seek it?

Don’t you see? If you don’t seek Truth, if you don’t make your Life into something Real, if you won’t Become what you can Be, then you destroy Truth! You leave that Oneness lacking. You are false, and you increase Falsehood in the world. It’s your choice, it’s our choice, and the choice we make affects everyone else. The world truly is One.

            Are you? Why do people insist on splitting themselves into pieces? Is there anything more absurd and bizarre than hearing someone say “My yetzer hara told/made/convinced/tempted me…”? Why do you name a part of you something else? Is this a slight identity crisis, or perhaps schizophrenia? Or maybe we like having multiple personality disorder? What happened to our very Being? Why do we fragment it, split it smaller than the atom? What do the words “part of me” mean, anyways? Do people really think that they are made up of little pieces? How is no one in touch with the Wholeness of who they are?

            How do we “lose ourselves”? No matter how great the will, or how deeply held the conviction and belief, there are times we will completely contradict everything we claim to be and live for. Is there anyone who truly lives by his convictions and beliefs? Is it possible?

            Does it matter if you do? Why is everyone so shocked when someone doesn’t? “How could s/he do such a thing?” – well, how couldn’t they? Who cares? It’s just an empty action, a fleeting moment in the Infinite, another wasted potential in a universe full of opportunities.

Do your actions even matter? Does anyone see the futility in day-to-day life, with meaningless action piled on meaningless action creating a cognitive dissonant world of illusory success? How can people go on to the next day without once doing something that comes from themselves, from who they are, from the Real place we call a soul?  Does functionality matter more than selfhood? Why do we care for the mechanical, functional, “if I shake a palm branch it causes things to happen in the heavens” mentality? What of expressing yourself within the relationship you share with haShem? Who cares what it DOES – what IS it, and what does is make you?

Why is it when asked who we are we invariably respond with our profession? Has this confusion between essence and function pierced the consciousness of the entire world? Does anyone believe in an essence at all? Or are we so caught up in a distorted view of reality as a mechanical universe of cause and effect that we simply don’t see the place for essences in it at all? No wonder no one is in touch with their own…

How is it that the entirety of the Torah, the very blueprint of Reality, has been reduced to a causational list of demands? Do people really think their pitiful explanations of Divine Wisdom are the Divine Will? Do they think they understand the Mind of the Creator? Who dares say they know what He Wants the world to Become? Yet everyone thinks they do, and everyone is hellbent on giving Him their strange fire offering in his Holy of Holies, thinking they are truly doing His Will; what G-d Wants, G-d gets…G-d help us all.

 So is it any wonder we find ourselves in the situation we do? Adam HaRishon learned the hard way that man can never be G-d; it is not our place to decide. Destiny is what G-d lays out before us, and it is “what you do along the way that makes you feel so True”; we live a pitifully paradoxical life of Being and Becoming at once, and feeling torn in two…until the Day where all will be One, including ourselves.

What can one do when he feels torn in two? How do you go on living with no context, no area of integration, no interrelating with Self and world? How do you find meaning in an arbitrary world? Where do you focus your energies, invest your potential, give over your passion crying out for expression and growth? Is it possible to find such a place? And what can you do until you do find it? How do you stay true to yourself when your self is floating in a netherworld unconnected to its own Reality?

How does one maintain integrity in our world? Is it possible to remain true to yourself, to actually remain yourself, in a world fueled by rapture and desire to be swallowed up by something else? Everyone is proud of their views, their beliefs, their brilliant insights; everyone shows off their allegiances and loyalties, eagerly explaining the “truth” behind their convictions – and how many are prisoner to those perspectives, being convicted by the very things that they believe in, or by the things they don’t?

How do people buy into things that constrict, squash, and imprison? Why do people have an almost pathological need to restrict themselves in mindless and mindnumbing fashion? The very first mistake everyone makes is confusing their local reality with the whole of Creation – the jokes about Mashiach are very real. To the Litvak he cannot be Sfardi, and the Sfardi would kill him if he showed up as a chosid. The Chosid, of course, would laugh at Mashiach if he were to be modern Orthodox. And the modern Orthodox would never accept a Litvak, those religious crazies. And heaven help us if Mashiach isn’t frum at all…! But all agree – life outside the confines of the little bubbles we make for ourselves is not worth living…funny how we all have so much in common! And funny how we all cannot see ourselves to be the simpleminded prisoners of our own devices, of our own narrowminded and simplistic worldviews, that we are.

Most funny of all will be how everyone will use these questions to “prove” that they are right, they have the truth, and how they have all the answers...how their messianic vision of the Home we forlornly want is the Truth.

Isn’t it funny that when it comes to feeling like you are Home, having the answers isn’t as important as having the questions?